On Dating

So, some time ago, my friend, Ore and I had this discussion on relationships from which we decided to share some excerpts. Now, this is not relationship advice or anything of the sort. Just us sharing our views on the subject. Enjoy…

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Ore: I was talking to my friend a while back about dating. She said she wasn’t dating now because she thought dating for longer than 6 months would inevitably lead to couples getting carried away or giving into temptation so unless she’s ready to marry, she’s chilling on her own for now. Just wanted to know what you thought of that.

Toxic: She’s right and she’s wrong.

She’s right on the issue of ‘dating’. The way I see it, a relationship with no long term goal of marriage is dating. One with a plan to marry is courting. I don’t believe in dating. Only courting. Once a couple is only dating and not courting, they’re more susceptible to temptation. Note that courting doesn’t mean they’re then free from temptation, just that the aim of the relationship is so different from dating that it’s harder to focus so much on sex and sexuality.

Where she’s wrong is that it’s got nothing to do with a time limit. Whether the it’s the 1st night or in 6 months, or even before the relationship starts at all; if it’s not a serious altar-bound relationship, it’s already bound to end up being about sex. Especially if it’s consensual. That whole “it’s for companionship” story is for preteens to use to fool themselves. Not honest adults. On the other hand, a couple can court for as long as 4yrs and keep themselves as long as they BOTH have the bigger picture in mind and are together agreed.

It’s really all about both their states of mind.

So even if she’s not ready to marry right away, if she meets a dude who will be ready in say 3yrs and she’s fine with that time frame and he also shares her values and beliefs, then going into a relationship with such a dude now should not be an issue.

In my opinion, she just thinks the busy preparation for a wedding will help her hold him off till after the wedding. But won’t they court (don’t want to use the word ‘date’) first before he is sure he wants to marry her and then proposes?

¯\..(•͡.̮ •͡ )../¯

Ore: Thanks, that all makes sense. I guess you’re right, it’s all about the difference between courting and dating. But don’t you kind of have to “date” before you begin your courtship? I mean, you don’t just meet a woman and think “yup, I could marry her” and then start courting, do you? If the aim of a courtship is ultimately to get married. Do you get what I mean?

Toxic: The answer (for me) is all yes. When I’m beginning to have feelings for a girl, I think “Could I marry her?” If the answer is then “Oh, I could marry her” then I might proceed with… If the answer however is “No”, I’m not going to even try to date, no matter how strong the feelings become.

Courting is generally seen as beginning from the engagement. I’m just saying that my personal PoV is when both parties have that mindset of “The intention here is for this to end in marriage”, even though a formal proposal hasn’t been made yet and they would say “We’re dating” (usually just for communication sake), then they’re really courting.

Dating, by general practice, is just so much less binding and trivializes the real intentions God had for romantic relationships.

Courting is a mindset, as is dating. Engagement is a status. Typically, people with a dating mindset go into relationships with a “This may not work out, so I must safeguard my own interests; just in case” whereas a courting mindset says “I plan for this to work out, so I’ll make whatever sacrifices I have to NOW so it does”. Basically courting entails foresight and planning ahead. Dating doesn’t.

My belief therefore is in…

Courting —> Engagement —> Marriage

As against…

Dating —> Engagement —> Marriage

Admittedly, a lucky few get to do…

Dating —> Courting —> Engagement —> Marriage

But why anyone would place the stakes of their heart on something with an obviously slimmer chance of success is beyond me.

Now, I’m not saying beginning with courtship is a guarantee for a relationship ending in marriage. Of course, it’s not as binding as marriage, so if either party decides they don’t think it’ll work, they have every right to skip. A good example is the genotype/sickle cell issue. Just saying that courting is a much better foundation for what would hopefully end up in marriage. The current divorce rates just show that, sadly, too many people go into marriage with a dating mentality and so when the going gets tough, the not-so-tough-afterall pack their bags and get going.

Sad really.

I choose to be different.

Ore: Well that makes sense. It still feels like a gamble. I mean, you can court and there’s still the risk that the other person may change their mind/have their feelings change and bail, but I guess that’s always a risk… One advantage I DO see to this your theory is that without sex, if things don’t work out, you’re not gonna feel like you lost out on too much; you’re less likely to feel used, which is a plus. But do you then DISCUSS marriage with someone when you first meet them?? Like isn’t that likely to freak them out and scare them off?? I’ve always thought you should ‘date’ (literally go out on formal dates e.g. Dinner, theatre, cinema, ice cream, whatever) someone for maybe a month, and then have a discussion, see if you enjoy each other’s company,and can see marriage (or some sort of future) as a possibility, and decide to “court”.

Toxic: Courting is definitely still a gamble. Just a safer, saner, more guaranteed ‘risk’ than dating.

As per beginnings though, I believe firmly in friendship first. It certainly isn’t easy but even up to when the feelings begin to stir, I try to keep things platonic. It’s how you truly get to know about the person and whether or not you want to progress to the next level of ‘risk taking’ ie hanging out, dates, dinners, etc. That way, you know what you’re really getting yourself into if/when you get to the point of asking or accepting to become mutually exclusive to each other.

At that platonic stage, I try to be honest and open on everything except my feelings (though more often than not, the darned feelings go and betray me before I even open my mouth *sigh*). Hopefully, she’s open and honest too. If we’re still interested in each other after this(assuming the interest was mutual in the first place) and haven’t learnt anything that puts a full stop to it all, it’s no longer as big a risk as when all we’re attracted to are the superficial things. It goes deeper.

PLUS, it saves everyone so much heart break!!

Again, there really is no generally acceptable time frame. All this can happen in 2wks or in 2yrs. All depends on the individuals involved.

*     *     *     *     *

So there you have it. Sorry if it sounded all matter-of-factish to you. We, err, had to remove all the juicy, more personal gist before posting. :p

So, what are your thoughts on all of this?

2012
04/28
POSTED BY
CATEGORY
Nuggets
54 comments

Good Ol’ Ego

So I wrote this as a contribution to the DateDays2 series which ran on @bule_jr’s blog not long ago. I wrote on theme of money in relationships and how it affects ego. Just thought to share with those who might have missed it while I work on other stuff to post here. Enjoy (if you haven’t yet)…

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I’ve had the privilege of studying a great number of couples out on dates and it is undeniable the powerful effects money can have, positive and negative, on relationships.

Without doubt, one of the ways best favoured by people to bond with others is over a good meal and this, on a daily, brings a lot of clientele through the doors of the rather distinguished establishment in which I offer my services. I receive far more couples on dates than individuals and groups of people, day or night, and this has given me the opportunity to observe, to a great extent, couples out participating in the dating game.

Don’t get me wrong now, I’m not claiming to be an expert on such matters. Far from it, I’m just an observer who’s trying to learn from the experiences and mistakes of others before taking the plunge myself. Is this not wisdom? *wink*

Doing what I do requires me to know a few of my costumers really well. A few of them have me really intrigued to the point that in relating with them during the course of business, we begin to relate on a bit more of a personal level. Let me introduce one family I have come to respect and love to you.

The Owolabis come in regularly. They are accustomed to living affluently and coming to a classy restaurant is pretty normal to them. Practically the whole family comes in, individually or collectively, at different intervals during any given week.

Chief and Dr Mrs come in to dinner as a couple at least once a month. Things weren’t always this way though. They started small and humble and worked hard to build the empire they presently control. Dr Mrs once regaled me with the tale, to chief’s embarrasment, of how in their youth, before they were married, he would take her on only cheap dates. She recounted how the park not far from the London apartment she shared with coursemates was his favourite spot for dates because, as a foreign student on scholarship, he couldn’t afford to take her anywhere remotely fancy; and how he would slave over home-made sandwiches and freshly squeezed orange juice or the likes for their refreshment as they picnicked; and how she would make them walk to and from the park because she knew he really couldn’t afford the cab-fare he kept trying to insist they took, all in the name of chivalry. She stuck with him through the early days and now (she would gesture to the grandness around her), just look at the grand way they live.

Now, this would ordinarily be quite an inspiration to me, to work hard, make something of my life and the good things would then come. But all I felt was a strange mixture of respect and pity for her.

Respect, because the come-uppance Chief and Dr Mrs had experienced would solidify the love the wife had for her husband, but pity, because it had only turned the man into the weaker vessel, eroding the initial connection felt towards wife by him.

Coming into wealth he had never been exposed to previously only opened Kashimawo Owolabi’s eyes to the finer things he could have now that he could never have had back then. Things he is determined to now enjoy despite being advanced in years. He rolls around in heavy socialite circles, not for business, but just for the fun of it. Rides in fast and exotic cars that his son should be ridding himself of now. And beds some of the hottest women I have ever… or will ever lay my eyes upon. I can picture that in his mind, his wealth has given him access to the women he would have even been too ashamed to say a simple “hello” to in the days of his youth. He would sometimes bring these women to Greene’s to wine and dine them before heading on to the Five Corner’s down the street, obviously to get his money’s worth in kind.

Further contribution to the pity I have for Dr Mrs are her offspring. They had been born into their parents’ rise into the upper echelon and the wealth would come to greatly affect their outlook on life in general and dating and relationships in particular.

Kudirat, the first child, much like her siblings, had always gotten everything she wanted growing up. Problem here is, she wants everything else! Having acquired a ravenous sexual appetite far exceeding her father’s, she has brought every class of men imaginable to the restaurant. I have seen Kudi, in the stoking of imminent passion, dine government officials, captains of industries and even royalty and at other times, seductively wine homeless men, her own driver and much to my pleasure then and shame now, even the young manager of Greene’s, my humble self. (*-_-)

Kashimawo Jr (Kash Jr to his friends), the only son, in getting everything he wanted, had discovered his own peculiar tastes and then stuck to them. Or better put, stuck to him. I do not believe I have ever seen Kash at dinner here alone with another individual besides Karimu Owolafe. Kash and Kari, to Dr Mrs Owolabi, are just the best of friends, despite Kari’s very humble backgrounds. However, thanks solely to Kash’s influences and access to wealth, they have gone everywhere and done everything together. Emphasis on ‘did‘, ‘every‘ and ‘thing‘ and may I add ‘each other‘? I shall now leave the rest to your perverted imagination. (-_-)

Monie, the baby of the house, seems to be the only one who aspires to live a responsible social life. Oh, I’m sorry, scratch the ‘social’ there. Moni, after all, lacks any semblance of a social life. Always the wise, introspective and perceptive one, seeing the paths her siblings had chosen to take in their dating lives and recognizing the attendant pitfalls, she made her mind up early that she would not fall prey to any gold-digger types, temporarily or permanently, and as such, set her standards high. This one has high tastes. Very exquisite tastes. So exquisite, that I doubt any living person can satisfy them. I have never seen her on a date, here in her favourite restaurant, with another actual person. I’ll admit though, I Have seen her on several dates here, I just haven’t ever been able to see her date. The waiters always remain weirded out when they have to serve two places at her table and she is talking to and laughing with someone in the opposite chair they can’t hear or see. I’ve actually heard them in the back room arguing over whose turn it was to suffer the ordeal of attending her table.

So sad. *smh*

Whenever, I remember the Owolabis in general, I feel a little sadness for the Dr Mrs. Especially after all the sacrifices she made for her family.

Oh, did I forget to mention those sacrifices earlier? Well, my apologies.

Ms Ego Oputachi, while on an advanced medical program at Oxford University sometime in the 70s, would meet and fall in love with an engineering student with a rugged demeanor and a bright outlook on life. Recognising this moslem yoruba boy’s prospects and his immense love for her, she would ignore her very tribalistic father’s threats of denouncing her as his daughter, thereby severing all ties with the wealthy background rife with highly placed connections from which she comes to marry him. Only through much toiling and fighting together against all the odds would Mr and Mrs Owolabi of back then become the influential figures they are now.

In other words, it would appear it is as possible for money not to positively affect the ego of a couple trying their hand at the dating game as it is to negatively affect either or both individuals.

*sigh*

Personally, I don’t need whoever I eventually end up with to be rich or highly connected. I just need her to truly believe in me and I’ll bring whatever she believes to life. I just want to find me my own Ego to boost my deflating ego.

How big is your ego?

*     *     *

You may see the original post and the feedback it received here

2012
04/25
POSTED BY
CATEGORY
Uncategorized
1 comment

The Sequel

Please read The Prequel to the Sequel before this. If you already have, then by all means, enjoy…

• • • • • • • • • • • • • •  • • • • • • • • • • •

I’ve made the choice to remain a virgin until I get married.

I’m not going to tell you how to live your life or make you feel bad about your choices. I’m simply here to state my reasons and beliefs in the hope that they’ll educate and/or encourage someone out there.

I’m not your average female, I’m actually hot cake and can so so get it! So why am I still a virgin? I’m Christian, but it’s not just because God said so. Someone once said in my hearing that she doesn’t understand why God would say no to premarital sex when there are no negative effects. Well, it may seem that way when you choose to ignore the facts but the reality is that you ARE more exposed to certain negative effects when you indulge in premarital sex. If everyone went about sex only God’s way, there would be fewer rates of abortions, STDs, teenage pregnancies, and even failed marriages. God designed sex, and He knows how best it works. We are supposed to enjoy it, but only in the context of marriage. When it’s taken out of that context, it becomes abused and can then be harmful. There is not one thing God says we should or shouldn’t do that isn’t for our good. Let’s take a look at His manual.

“Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.” – Genesis 2:24

One man + One woman = Marriage —-> One Flesh (Sex)

In my opinion, sex is the icing on the cake, the deal sealer. When a man and woman have sex, they become one. There is a spiritual tie that comes with the act of sex and I only want that tie with my husband. This might sound like bollocks to a lot of people, but here’s reference from the bible:

“Do you not know that he who unites himself with a prostitute is one with her in body? For it is said, “The two will become one flesh.”“ – 1 Corinthians 6:16

So you see, there’s more to sex than mere skin on skin (or even rubber). Sex is as much spiritual mystery as physical fact… “The two become one”.

This means sex not covered by the marriage covenant opens doors for spirits to be transferred. Scary.

God created sex as a bonding tool. Psychologists believe that when a woman loses her virginity to a man, his image is strongly imprinted on her mind, which creates a strong emotional attachment. I only want my husband to be imprinted on my mind. I believe that choosing to live with one particular person for what you hope to be the rest of your life will be challenging… eventually… and sex is supposed to aid in staying together. When two people have sex, the hormone oxytocin is released which creates emotional bonds. Naturally, when that bond is broken, it will hurt. If however, that bond is continually broken and reapplied with other people, it is then weakened until it ceases to exist. An illustration: when you peel plaster off your skin, it hurts. Reapply it a few times and it will lose its stickiness and stop hurting. Bonding works like that. When it’s broken, it hurts. It’s not designed to be made and broken repeatedly because it then loses it’s bonding effect.

I believe there are blessings and rewards that come with waiting. God forgives, but you can’t disobey God and receive the full blessings that would have come if you had not disobeyed in the first place. I don’t want to miss out on my full blessings.

The creator designed sex to come with heavy emotions. I’m very emotional and I probably won’t be able to handle the weight of pre-marital sex. I’d rather enjoy guilt-free and happy sex. I don’t have to worry about STDs, pregnancy, whether or not he is just using me or waking up the next morning full of regret. I do not believe in abortion, so if I was to ever get pregnant, that would not be an option; plus I don’t want to embarrass my family (my father will do an Abraham and Isaac on me. Except, without the ram) My best option is to go with abstinence.

It is popular belief that once you start, it’s hard to stop. I believe sex is a spiritual killer. I value my relationship with God and I believe sex outside marriage can greatly draw one back from God. I’ve heard people try to justify sex outside marriage as just another sin. But the bible lets us know that sex is different from all other sins because we are sinning against our own bodies. It says it is soul-destroying and self-destructive (Proverbs 6:32 & 1 Corinthians 6:18).

Being a virgin, to a certain extent, protects me from toxic relationships. Most men these days are fueled by desire and I believe once I give a man like this sex, he is no longer necessarily obliged to stay. I’m not saying he isn’t going to stay once I do; but when he does stay, how long would we last? Always on the lookout for the next hot thang, he will not hesitate to leave once he finds something better or once he concludes I am not wife material for him even though I may ride him good. What if we are engaged, and then he discovers the sex isn’t so great? Will we then walk away from each other?

In this regard, saying no to sex reduces my pool of datable men by a large amount. If you’re not going to date me because there is no sex involved, you are not worth my time. Am I a sex machine? I think not. I want a man that loves me for who I am, who will stay whether there is great sex or not, because of his interest in me, and not in my sexual prowess. Casual sex relationships and relationships built around sex are more likely than not to be selfish acts, as opposed to marriage, where we are more likely to take the partner’s best interests into consideration.

For me, the point of dating is to find someone I am compatible with and who possesses the qualities I desire in a man. I want to see him for who he really is, and know I am truly in love with him without sex clouding my judgment. Most of us know people who have stayed in an abusive relationship because of the sex, whether they realize it or not. One day sex will mean nothing. What if something happens to that person and it affects our sex life, and how about when we are old; will I still be happy to spend my days with him because of who he is?

“A poll in The Guardian newspaper in February 1997 asked 794 couples who had been married for ten years or more what they liked most about their partner. The most popular answer (18%) said they were ‘caring and thoughtful’. 10% said their personality. Only one per cent said sex.”

That’s roughly 8 people out of 800. So how important is great sex at the end of the day?

Quote: “The only thing that creates commitment is character. And character is often in short supply when we’re indulging in premarital sex.”

For me, sex is a prize for getting there. Like eating that big piece of chicken after finishing your pounded yam; or your rice and stew if you don’t like pounded yam. Wait. How can you not like pounded yam?! Oh sorry, I digress. Where was I? Yeah…

I want something to look forward to when I get married; when we go for our honeymoon (imagine releasing up to 25 years worth of konji on the poor man…… *now playing Unleash the Dragon by Sisqo*. I want to say “Yes! I did it!” and make God proud.

I am keeping myself also because of the respect I have for my future husband. I want to be a one-man woman. That’s how we were created. God didn’t make Eve, Evelyn, Evelette, and Eveniqua. We weren’t made to be shared, that’s why we humans get jealous. I want the man I marry to be the only one that got to hit that. I don’t want to have anyone else to compare him to either. I don’t need to experiment. (This part is hard for me because I’m always looking for new things). I have value for the sex we will eventually have. It says long term commitment. I want my heart to agree when I give sex. I want to know we are fully committed to each other, and that won’t happen till he puts a wedding ring on it.

It’s just not worth giving it up now. It’s a one-time thing and I want to do it wisely. I’d rather ‘suffer’ patiently now in exchange for many years of a sex life free of guilt and frustration ahead. I believe if I wait till marriage, I will have the best I can get. People say you need experience or someone with experience. This is a lie from the pit of hell. After all, even those with all the experience started from somewhere. If I’m going to have sex for very many years of my life, there’s no rush. Self-control is necessary. If one cannot control self before marriage, how can anyone believe they will be able to afterwards?

All God has for us is love, He knows what’s best for us and wants to protect our future. And God will not tell us to do or not to do anything if His grace will not cover us. Don’t think Christianity is just a set of rules and regulations that will make life boring; it’s a one on one relationship with God and it’s the best way to live. It’s about grace, love, and freedom. And He wants us all to enjoy that.

Peace and Love.

Anon.

• • • • • • • • • • • • • •  • • • • • • • • • • •

Err…

Sorry to burst your bubble if you were hoping to go to town with the lady’s identity. I bet most of y’all are mature but too many immature folk cloaked amongst you guys. We’ll just play it safe and keep this anonymous, yeah? Just take my word for it that when she says “I’m hot cake and can totally get it”. Chic ain’t lying yo! *sigh*

Forget that she’s a lady, I share each and every value posted up here. They apply to both males and females. And these, ladies and gentlemen, are the whys of my (and her) virginity.

So what are your thoughts?

2012
03/31
POSTED BY
CATEGORY
Nuggets
35 comments

The Prequel to the Sequel

This is not a post.

Well, it is, but it also sort of isn’t.

This is an intro.

An intro that is longer than an intro and so gets its own post even though it’s actually just an intro and so therefore not really a post.

You dig?

*sigh*

Oh well. On to the meat of the matter…

First though, a little reiteration:

I am a virgin. And despite what popular media and society at large may feel, say or do, I’m unashamed about it.

This is of course stale gist to most of the people reading this. For those to whom this, however, IS news, I ‘announced’ it in a post titled Losing My Virginity sometime last year. I clearly stated then what the reasons for which I was declaring it were.

Thanks to that post, many have felt comfortable enough to open up to me concerning their varying views and/or issues concerning sex and, in a few cases, sexuality. I count it privilege and am deeply honoured anyone would trust me with such delicate information or with giving them any sort of advice. I’ve also found these discussions very enlightening, probably even more enlightening than the light-bearers who come seeking light from one who boasts of bearing no light. You may not have known of the light you bore, but thank you for your light *shakes off fairy dust* (Who talks that way? :s ) I certainly hope I have been helpful in some way or the other. I try my best not to judge anyone for mistakes made, their ideologies or decisions. Same way I asked that no one judge, dismiss or look down upon others (virgins in particular here) for making the choice(s) they have made.

A few people have admitted to me to also being virgins. People who would get the same kinds of reactions I got if the word got out…

“Stop playing jor”

“*stunned silence*”

“If you wan lie, lie better lie. No be dis one”

In opening up to me, they also admit they are wary of saying it in public or even to friends of theirs because of the embarrassment or even ridicule it may attract. *sigh* We have a long way to go, I guess…

If there’s one thing I appreciate from that experience, it’s that I’ve since then been approached on the subject of abstinence and virginity largely with respect and tolerance, (as against the condescending attitude such a conversation would have previously evoked) which is part of what I hoped to achieve by writing that post. Hopefully, this same respect and tolerance is being extended to others too.

But something was missing in that post and it was obvious enough that I’ve been asked about it in nearly every conversation I’ve had on the matter since the post went up. The question:

Why?!

“Why did you choose to remain a virgin?”

Another frequent question is:

Till when?

“Do you plan to stay this way till you get married”

Due to space constraints and consideration for the views of some of the audience I expected on Losing My Virginity, I didn’t really address those questions in that post. They will now be addressed.

But not by me.

I was having a conversation on the issue of abstinence with a new friend when she eventually, as expected, asked me the earlier stated questions. I answered and then she went on to state her own views on the matter which impressed me to the point that I asked her to please write a sequel to my earlier post. She obliged, thankfully. This post-which-is-not-a-post is an intro to that post.

A warning though, and to a large extent, the reason for this intro/post. The Sequel is heavily laced with christian views and biblical references. If you choose to avoid these, we respect your decision. We respect the fact that everyone has a right to their opinions and beliefs, as do we, and we’re not trying to preach at anyone. Only to share our thoughts on the subject and answer previously asked questions. This is not Ladun Ikeji’s blog (pun intended). We are not looking to be sensationalist or to get insulted for what we believe in.

Peace to all men.

And to each his own.

If you’re christian, or you’re not but are open to seeing what our views on the subject are, you’re welcome to read The Sequel.

2012
03/31
POSTED BY
CATEGORY
Nuggets
Ramblings
9 comments

Zombie

We lurch to one side
Jostled together irreverently
No complaints ensue
We are in a hurry
All fourteen of us

Bleary bloodshot eyes
Staring unseeing ahead
Dreams of a blissful sleep
Still taunting heavy eyelids
She dozes in the corner
He nods in agreement
His chin nestling into his chest warmly

Bang! Bang!!

They are startled awake
Glancing about in alarm
But only for a moment
The calm with which we stare ahead
Reassuring to the dozers
Who are soon nodding away again
To the rhythm of another round
Of backfire

Our nostrils come under siege
As a molue thunders past.
We seem oblivious
Having survived cheap perfume,
Body odour,
The dank lagoon below.
What’s a little,
or maybe a lot,
a whole lot
Of vehicle fumes and smoke?
Just another chorister
In the cacophony of scents
We seem oblivious

Swerve! Shaunt!
Heads knock together
This time around
Complaints ensue…
“Ah ah! Dreva, take it easy!”
“Jo, ma pa mi fun iya mi o!”
(Please, don’t kill me for my mother o)
“Dis man, wetin dey worry you?”
Deafness, it would seem
Seeing as our dreva’s only response
Is marshing the throttle again
We fall silent
We are in a hurry

We arrive
Spewed forth
From the belly of the rickety beast
Squeezing between and around
Other crawling beasts
Yellow and black
And a myriad other metallic colours
Mingling with the multitude of bustling people
Also in a hurry
Also bleary eyed and sleep deprived
Also dressed in much the same way
Trudging and lurching
Zombie-like
To get swallowed yet again
By the bustle

2012
03/27
POSTED BY
CATEGORY
Fiction
Poetry
35 comments

A Million Pieces

Today, in the spirit of St. Valentine, some poetry.

Happy Valentine’s Day… Whatever that may mean to you…

Enjoy

  *     *     *

You broke my heart into a million pieces
Uncollatable by any form of indices
Could I be part of the collateral damage?
Or was I the target in the very first place
So savage, the way you tore me apart
After to you I entirely yielded my heart
From the start you could have never claimed you loved me
Instead, you enchanted me with promises of milk and honey

Rent heart, fragmented soul, broken spirit
The apparent results of your visit
My Point Of View so young and restless
Reckless, my oversight far in excess
Until the scales were removed, unimpeded my vision
Full system upgrade, 40/40 precision
How could I see the wounds heal through my tears?
How could I feel the pain cease through my fears?

But the demolisher, it turns, out is also the potter
The butcher: the surgeon, but only after the slaughter
Made it all worse, ultimately to make it all better
As the potter put all the pieces back together
All done out of love purest, truest, deepest
Despite all of my flaws, you went and loved me first
And so took me apart to make me truly whole
How could I not see that, O lover of my soul?

You broke my heart into a million pieces
Recalibrated the matrix, rewrote the thesis
Refined the edges and smoothed the creases
And into me blew a million holy kisses…
I love you, Jesus

2012
02/14
POSTED BY
CATEGORY
HeartSong
Poetry
11 comments

Epicness

My entry, which went up yesterday, for 19th Street ‘s #30DayGuestBloggerChallenge on the highs and lows of my 2011

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It’s been the worst year-end of my entire life

When I decided to grab the opportunity Efe’s challenge offered, I naturally, as an epic somebori , picked the most epic day I could think of… Last! This would, while giving me the chance to plan and prepare this epic entry for a good 30 days, help me study every other entry before mine and trump them all in epicness! Haha!!

Bulls**t!!

After 18 months of work, my leave was finally approved for December 12… I never proceeded on that leave; My birthday this year, 8th December, was a stream of words… phone calls, facebook messages, birthday tweets, smses… and no gifts, not one; Christmas day rolled around and I and every other staff at the organization at which I have worked the last 18 months had received nothing more than a bag of rice and a pangolo of oil each, no salaries; I was so broke on Christmas day that I couldn’t even afford to visit my family without having to ask for money to make it back to my place. So I ended up not going at all, knowing how depressing it would be to arrive home with only one or two presents where there would be at least six people and still have to ask for transport fare to leave; I wrote a Christmas post on my blog that was to also be an intro for a little series I‘d been planning to write, a series that was supposed to run from the 26th to the 30th leading to this piece as a grand finale of sorts, not a single post went up. Why? Because the following day, I struggled to write the post all through, but the feverish and woozy feelings I was having all of that day would not allow me focus enough to finish the first post. The day after was no different… On the 28th of December, the chicken pox I’d gone and ‘acquired’ became full blown. Talk about a perfect ending to 2011.

And that’s only December…

*sigh*

I’m not even going to depress anyone with the lows of my whole year. I’ll just move along to the highs, few as they may be.

I finally became totally independent, paying my own rent and for all the food I eat, amongst other things. No more mooching off papa for me; I became active on twitter… Now, that might seem like such a mundane thing to say but the thing is, I’m finally at a place where I can unashamedly admit that I. Love. Twitter! And I guess, to some extent, (Nigerian) twitter loves me too *wink*; Getting active on twitter exposed me to blogs, bloggers and the art form that blogging is, which inspired me to start my own blog. Blogging was something I’d always known I’d love doing but I’d never really had the resources or discipline to proceed with until I just what-the-hecked and started it. I’m really, really proud of my blog. That little slice of cyber space carries little signatures of me and might as well have been created from my very DNA; That virgin post! *sigh* That post opened me to something beautiful I was never really sure I had, the gift of mentorship. Being able to encourage and build others up is such a great way of building and encouraging your own self that it almost seems selfish when I’m given that opportunity; Through twitter and blogging, I met this group of crazy people online who are now more like family than just friends and who would come to salvage some of this Christmas for me… (y’all know yourselves… I love you guys *secret handshake*); I secured a new job that is Guaranteed to create more opportunities for my career than I might ever be able to figure out what to do with (there’s a pun in there somewhere for those who know what to look for *wink*)…

All in all, in retrospect, I have to admit that 2011, despite the many lows, was epic…

Far more epic than this entry, despite all my plotting and scheming, turned out not to be.

I’m grateful to God for how far He’s brought me and stand here looking forward to everything He has in store for me and mine in 2012.

*raises glass* Cheers to the New Year

*rolls over for the sweetheart to apply calamine lotion on back and butt cheeks*

2012
01/01
POSTED BY
CATEGORY
Ramblings
6 comments

~251211~

It would appear the creative streak responsible for the awesome titles (if I do say so myself) my posts usually enjoy has failed me today…. -__-

Oh well, this post shall not be lengthy and is designed to serve two purposes…

The first: it serves as an intro for a mini-series I’m having on here which begins tomorrow.

Seeing as the creative streak I talked about at the beginning of this post has refused to, well, streak and is still rather static at the moment, I may just end up using the (in my opinion) subpar title I have so far…

The Vocabulary Series

This may just change before tomorrow. Just may. I guess we’ll see…

Anyways The Vocabulary Series is for the next five days, going to focus on a word in my personal vocabulary that I particularly favour and which I’ve leart very valuable lessons on in the recent past. Each word shall be unveiled on each day of the series and I’ll then attempt to make my point.

Why the series? The whole point of the series is to share some of the lessons learnt from my experiences and hope that they edify someone who shall read them. The timing is also key. I’m not really one to make New Year Resolutions, if I believe something in my life needs to change badly enough, I try to effect it immediately, no matter what part of the year that is. For some people though, new year resolutions work and so, these series are my contribution to anyone who may want to work on any parts of their lives that the series may touch on. Doesn’t have to be for only new year resolutionists though. If you feel the need to take something from it, pls feel free.

The series will also be a sort of run up to my entry in the #30DayGuestBloggerChallenge presently going on on @HL_Blue’s blog. My entry comes up on the last day of 2011, 31st December, and is supposed to highlight my highs and lows of 2011, minus romance. I’m still a bit nervous about that and hope it turns out great, especially seeing as it rounds off the series, wouldn’t want to be an anti-climax to what has been a great run so far, would I?

Be sure to visit 19th Street to check out the amazing entries so far.

The second reason for this post: to extend my ‘christmas greetings’ (whatever that means) to all my loved ones without sending any broadcasts, putting up statuses that only few people will see or burning credit that I don’t have… and No, I am not a cheapskate, just a broke, proactive brutha who works for an organisation with inept management who have not paid staff their december wages as of christmas day… (Ok, just had to let that out #MiniRantOver).

Before I get to the ‘christmas wishes’, lemme just say that I share a few of @weird_oo’s sentiments on Day 25 I feel it’s become very perfunctory when we just greet people “Merry Christmas”. Greetings should me warm, thoughtful and impactful, especially considering the significance of what we are celebrating. It just seems so shallow to just leave it at “Merry Christmas”. After christmas nko? I believe words are really powerful and if those are the only gifts you’re going to share with someone during christmas, easter, sallah, birthdays (these especially)… celebrations generally, then they might as well be meaningful.

That said, here’s wishing everyone reading this divine joy, peace, favour and love which transcend the season and extend into the new year which shall be a prosperous one unto you and yours, in Jesus’ name.

ps Please subscribe to the blog to receive instant notification on each post in the series as it goes up. I shall not be tagging people individually on twitter in order not to spam others’ timelines unnecessarily

pps I shall be receiving christmas gifts in words as well as taking contributions for a new/better title for The Vocabulary Series in the comment section. Please give freely as it has been/shall be given unto you…
:D

2011
12/25
POSTED BY
CATEGORY
Ramblings
18 comments

The Birthday Post

Well, the title says it all, doesn’t it? It’s my birthday today :D I should probably just end the post here and know that I have done what nearly every blogger in these parts feels obliged to do at least once a year…

Put a post up on their birthday.

As nice and all as it is, that is cliché…

This would be where you would expect me to add “…and I never do cliché”, right? Which would be me contradicting myself, seeing as you reading this means that I HAVE gone ahead and done the cliché thing by putting up a birthday post. Well, what I was actually going to say/write before I began this deviation was…

But for once, I shall gladly do cliché

But only in my own way…

#Barzzz -_-

Birthdays are usually seen as a time for celebration by loved ones and acquaintances for the life of the celebrant and on the celebrant’s part, sober reflection and the reminder that the biological clock ticks on. Or maybe the latter part is just me… *shrug*. Well, personally, I like to set goals that go something like “By the time I’m so and so age, I’d like to have acheived so and so” or “By my birthday next year, I shall have completed so and so”… You get the idea, yeah?

Well, while I’d like to give everyone the opportunity to celebrate me (hope I didn’t sound too vain and full of self there), I’d also like to ask the favour of whoever is reading this to help me with my sober reflections.

I would like that YOU tell me two things on here:

1. What one thing, if given the chance, would you change about me? That flaw that you first notice about me; that little (or big) thing that, for whatever reason, irks you everytime I do it; that thing that if unchanged, is left only to my own detriment. What is it? Help me become a better me. Afterall, “Even the man who uses a mirror cannot see all of himself at once” #ToxicWisdom

and

2.What one thing about me would you preserve and celebrate if given the chance?

It does not matter how long you’ve known me, how you know me, how little you know me or that you do not even really know me at all. Perhaps all you know about me is what I tweet, or this blog, or you haven’t seen me in over a decade or have never physically met me. Maybe all you even know about me is what you’ve read on someone else’s timeline or this blog post is the first encounter you have of me. Please, share still.

Both questions can be answered about anything you want. My writing, my carriage, my philosophies, my career, attitude, dressing, gifts, sense of discipline… Anything at all, no matter how mundane or of epic significance it seems.

One thing you would change and one thing you would not.

This post is unashamedly all about the comments. Please use the comment box freely. I would consider it an honour and a birthday gift of sorts if you did…

2011
12/08
POSTED BY
CATEGORY
Ramblings
TAGS





45 comments

I am to Blame

Today is December 1st, another World Aids Day.
Today, a poem of sorts…

_______________________________

I am to blame
No doubt it is me who bears the shame,
The fragile frame that bears my name
Is the gain I lost in the game
The game of the dame, my dame the hurricane
The one that swept me away when she came

Most certainly
Put the blame on me
Who else would it be?
Me, definitely
Certainly not the other half of me
My baby, my one and only
To whom apparently
I’m one of many
The only mystery seems to be
How I could have been so full of gullibility
My sensibilities lost in shows of virility
The endless possibilities ending my sterility
My positivity in reality a negativity

I’ve got HIV

But na my fault
Say my baby no better pass pillar of salt?
Say for only a bottle of malt
My baby fit follow you enter cot
Enter cloth, comot cloth
Baby dey floss
But of course for her mind she no be slut
Jejely she just bin dey carry her cross
True, true no be her fault

True, true na me be the mugu
Who knew?
To be truthful, it could be you too
What! You think. Impossible
It’s unimaginable
You’re too true, too good, too cool
You’re too schooled, too beautiful, too faithful
The chances, too minuscule
You’re not that gullible
In other words you’re saying I’m the fool

In other words you are saying I must deserve this
I must have earned this mark on this black list
Me and a million faceless babies
Whose this fate is
Me and several ladies
Who really wanted to encounter their rapists
Mine and a thousand cases
Of mistakes in the basics
Of blood transfusions and infusions
Medical non-vestigations
Aberrations
Tiny incisions in barbers’ salons
And tinier ones still in nursing stations

We are unfortunate preys of chance
Victims of circumstance
Some caught in battle stance, some in victory dance
Others in a seemingly inconsequential instant
Of happenstance
At the speed of a glance
We lost all chance
But one: we are still humans

No less…

This may seem like just fantasy
May only tickle your fancy
I’m no Clancy
But if you look closely enough,
You can see
The clarity, the irony
The fictional reality,
The truth is no candy, it’s candid
Tragic, almost slap-stick
But not quite
Quite sick
Tragic!

Someone says ‘Don’t discriminate’
But disgrace relays the phrase
All priorities misplaced
We escalate the case
Sure, “AIDS no dey show for face”
Except the one that castigates
Yours in this case

So am I to blame?
Should I hang my head in shame?
What difference does it make
When all the same
I hear your eyes saying
With that much disdain
That…

I am to blame

2011
12/01
POSTED BY
CATEGORY
Poetry
Ramblings
TAGS




45 comments
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